Nightingale

Each week that passes brings me one day closer to the day I step onto a nursing unit and the patients that day are my patients. Just mine. No nursing professors, no preceptors, no orienteers; everything that happens will be on me. 

Oh dear. 

Senioritis is a very real thing. I have to drag myself to the two classes I have a week (play the world's smallest violin here) and I find myself complaining internally about basically everything, especially when it involves me having to do much, much more than I had initially planned. In addition to all the actual work we have to do for these capstone courses, I find that senior year is filled with paperwork. I have to apply to the state board, pay my testing fee, send in my passport photos, get fingerprinted, get a criminal background check completed and make sure that my school sends out my letter of completion. It's actually crazy to think that four years of work has culminated into a single semester of paperwork and exit exams and I think I'm still a little shell-shocked. 

At this point in time, I am much closer to my day of graduation than I am to my first day of college. I am much closer to my future than I am to my past. And that, my friends, is quite freaky. But as I was muddling along (killing time, as we seniors do), I stumbled upon a copy of the oath that all new graduates of nursing programs in the United States make upon graduation at their recognition ceremonies. And the gravity of this oath and the fact that we take an oath made me realize how serious this really is. When I walk out of here, I won't be walking out with a job...I'll be walking out with a profession. When I am pinned a nurse, I won't be receiving a medal, I'll be entrusted with lives. And when I make this oath, I make it for life. 

And I'm sure I'll be a little more than teary-eyed when that day comes. 

I solemnly pledge myself before God and in the presence of this assembly, to pass my life in purity and to practice my profession faithfully. I will abstain from whatever is deleterious and mischievous, and will not take or knowingly administer any harmful drug. I will do all in my power to maintain and elevate the standard of my profession, and will hold in confidence all personal matters committed to my keeping and all family affairs coming to my knowledge in the practice of my calling. With loyalty will I endeavor to aid the physician in his work, and devote myself to the welfare of those committed to my care.

Soar

Some weeks are hard.

Perhaps it wouldn't be such a struggle if I could get out of my own head, but that's where I live, after all. It's funny because there are some weeks--much like this one--in which things that would never normally bother me, bother me so much that it hurts. And perhaps it is in these moments that I am at my weakest and most vulnerable. Perhaps this is why each subsequent day of a "rough week" hurts more than the last.

In all honesty, there's no one who can ruin your week more than you. It's the truth. I find that much of the time, I create my own problems because I'm in my own head so much, however, it's because I'm that way that I'm able to thrive and succeed. It's quite a paradox and not the most exciting way to live life. There are so many things going on right now - graduation is fast approaching and I'm looking for jobs, I have to take an almost infinite amount of exams (or so it seems) and then apply to graduate school, waiting on my applications to the military and considering where I would like to be within a few months.

On top of all this, I'm getting weepy and nostalgic. It's kind of pathetic, really. I mean, I never thought in a million years that I would be sad about leaving college because in truth, it has been the most trying four years of my life to date. Everything from the rigorous academic program, to the people problems and to trying to be a good person, love everyone and not compromise my own personal belief system has left me--basically--exhausted. But now that we are only a few weeks away, I am beginning to realize that there are going to be some things that I quite miss, especially about the early quiet mornings in the residence halls, my shoes making their way down the hallways, the quiet ding of the elevator, the sun filtering through the pretty cheap (but newer!) blinds and the small space that I have called home for four years.

Thankfully, during weeks like this past one... I am reminded (unexpectedly) of the people who love me, near and far. And I think in these moments in which we are most distressed, we are able to truly focus on what we love.

So maybe I'll join the military or once more, play in an orchestra.

Either way, there's not much being worried can do about it... except make the journey a whole lot worse.

Mardi Gras!

So, it's (almost) Lent!

Today is Mardi Gras, which is the day that most people know as "Fat Tuesday" and it's a day in which you indulge, truly indulge, so that you can prepare yourself for the period of time that is to come! Lent is often known as a more solemn time in the church, but it is the time that reflects, celebrates and focuses on Jesus' sacrifice just before the Catholic New Year, in the same way that Rosh Hoshanah is to people of the Jewish faith and Chinese New Year is for the Chinese!

I, personally, love Lent. I have always loved Lent. I don't know particularly why I enjoy this time of year so much, especially when the connotation of Lent is always sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. Much of the time, the question asked around this period of time, especially in the week before Ash Wednesday is What are you giving up this year? While many think this practice completely ridiculous, unnecessary and outdated, I find the idea of sacrifice to be flexible. Sacrifice is usually interpreted as taking something away. As children, for example, we were always asked to pick something we truly enjoyed to give up to give us a feeling of sacrifice like junk food, sweets, TV or soda...but as a young adult, I'm now beginning to realize that doing things that are difficult for me--like talking about my feelings, reaching out to a friend, or making time in my day for prayer, or reflecting on the role of others in my life--are true sacrifices. A sacrifice, therefore, can be defined as an act of love, from the heart and of the heart.

This year's Lenten sacrifice proved challenging for me. I usually do the same thing each Lent. I started about two years ago, I think, and would give up everything to drink but water, allowing myself only to have tea once a day. This, however, became a lifestyle habit as I found that after Lent was over, drinking anything but water was entirely too stimulating for my taste buds--I found everything much too sweet! I've now since discovered flavored seltzer and now nothing can stop me! Other Lents, I've committed to an exercise regimen, a diet, or have had a goal of fitting into a dress (good, wrong and a little more wrong), so this Lent, I didn't know what to do! So, I decided on focusing on a few things I wanted to improve in my life and they were:

1. Discipline
2. Gratitude
3. Faith (always during Lent!)

And I came to the conclusion that I would do the following:

1. Give up my snooze button (which is so daunting, considering I hit it at least five or six times in the morning)
2. Write a letter to a person who has touched my life each of the forty days.
3. Incorporate a Daily Rosary and a period of reflective prayer each day, to hopefully carry forward with me throughout the year rather than just during Lent.

So there we have it! My Lent in a nutshell. And tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, which is interesting, in and of itself. More on that (and new things) tomorrow! 

Bed.

So I haven't slept in the same bed for more than a few days at a time in about four weeks now. I know that's crazy sounding, especially for someone like little introvert me, but it's the truth.

At the beginning of February, I was in Washington D.C., speaking at a listening tour for the our alumni base in that area. It was quite a cute event, done at the Metropolitan Club and it was super fancy. I remember never even realizing that those "Members Only" clubs still existed, but this place was exactly what I read in the books and saw in the media, with exclusive member apparel, an exclusive member library with books to the ceiling and ladders that rolled around the volumes of first editions, first printings of some of the greatest American novelists of all time. I was in Heaven. There was even a flag hung up in their exclusive dining hall that had only thirty-five stars on it. Thirty-five. I felt like I was rolling with the big dogs while yet having very little desire to be one of them.

Second week of February found me in Boston. This is where the emotional turmoil began, especially on finding that a very close friend of mine had lost one of their very close friends only a scant few days before I had arrived. I was heartbroken. I am heartbroken. You see, this wonderful friend of mine was one of my babies when I was in high school. We had competed on an academic team together and were quite close. I am two years older, but we kept in touch, even while college eats up almost all of our time. We catch up on breaks and on the breaks we can't catch up, we look forward to summer.

I got back from Boston on Sunday, dropped by my residence hall to check up on everything and that same evening was gone to go home for my clinical shift the following day. On Wednesday of the third week, I left for a conference in Atlantic City (which is all the way in the south of New Jersey, interesting) which was alright. There was a Starbucks in the hotel, so I literally spent most of my money there and almost every morning eating their delicious oatmeal. The conference was kind of cute, focused mostly on being student nurses and had a lot of opportunities to chat with recruiters and do some networking. I even got to give my resume to someone, which was awesome!

While everything is going on, it seems that everyone is dying and that I'm notified of another beloved's passing every few days. I remember them here: A.M., E.S., Johnny, Lolo E., and the others.

And the research! So much research to do. My next adventure takes me to Niagara Falls (PASSPORT NEEDED!) and I'll be speaking at a conference there on alternative approaches to healthcare, specifically regarding the role of faith and spirituality in medicine. I'm pretty excited about that opportunity, if only because it forces me into a circumstance in which I'm forced to face myself, and that's always cause for tons of growth. I better grow! And, as a graduating senior, we need to present our capstone to the hospital staff in which we are working (no big deal) and I have decided on researching methods of pain reevaluation post administration or implementation of pharmacologic, alternative or complementary pain management interventions. In layman's terms, basically that means how a nurse can effectively check up on a patient after he/she has been given morphine or some equally strong pain medication to see whether or not it's working or if they need more/a different medication.

Mouthfuls upon mouthfuls of ridiculous words.

With that, I want to tell you all that my resolution list has been coming along nicely! Look for stories on: #2 (Bravery), #3 (Doing something I've always wanted to do), #7 & #8 (Friendship and distance), #15 (my faith) and others in the near future!

As for me, I'm looking forward to night number two in my little twin-sized bed. Spring break's just started and I'm all for sleeping, adventuring and living in every which way that my little heart desires.