When I think back to where I was a year ago, all I can remember is that I was in a different time zone, in Assisi, Italy in the beautiful Umbria region. It was my first New Year's away from home and not celebrating it with my family, which was weird for me because I was 19 and should have already had at least some experiences away from home. But I'm so close to my family that I don't and I honestly don't feel like I'm missing out at all. Sparkling cider tastes the same, no matter whose house I'm in, hehe.
2012. I don't really know how else to describe this past year except for "better." Because, you know, a lot of things happen for a lot of reasons and I think this past year is a testament to that. I started it off in Italy, with forty new people that became my family. We celebrated in the Piazza Comune and popped open four bottles of champagne (or more) and sang bawdy English songs with the Italians (who sang along as best they could). This year, they will be the family that I miss.
I began a new semester filled with great people and good friends--friends that have become even closer to me throughout the past few months. There was heartbreak and healing, tears and failures over grades and minutiae like our academia, but I guess what it came down to was realizing that one test didn't make or break who you were. I'm still having trouble remembering that and I need to, but thankfully, I have my favorite people (Jamie, Erika and Kristen) constantly reminding me that life is beautiful because we are able to share these moments together. They were the people I spoke to in this final hour of this wonderful, beautiful, mixed-up year.
It was filled with love. And a summer of physics that I will never forget because it was so challenging, difficult and draining. I relearned the value of hard work, I suppose, in those final few months.
And finally, the fall semester. So challenging because for the first time in my life, I was failing a class. Failing for nursing, anyways. I walked into the final exam with a 74 and needed an 82 on our final in order to pass the class with an exact 77. I walked in and took the exam and cried afterward, convinced I was a goner. Our grades come out on January 2nd and I don't know how I feel. If I fail, I know, logically it's not the end of the world. But I am afraid that it will be the end to my confidence. School is all I have. And even knowing that if it is a failing grade that greets me on the computer screen Wednesday morning, I will graduate the same year, 2014, I am still so afraid of failure.
But maybe that's why it's a good thing because you shouldn't be afraid of anything. And if you are, it shouldn't be something so small as failure, which can be fixed and conquered with persistence, determination and willingness to strive for greatness.
2013 brings so many uncertainties.
Uncertainty means adventure.
Monday, December 31, 2012
A Little Bit o' Blue
Blue cheese!
That's right! Tonight, I'm cooking up some buffalo chicken dip for my friends. We tend to have interesting themed parties. Sometimes, their murder mysteries (in which we all dress up, of course), other times, it's a potluck where we all showcase our chef skills (we, meaning them and I try to make salad or something) and we've had cereal picnics, hangouts that include only dessert and tomorrow...
We are having a dip party.
It's exactly what it sounds like. A party that focuses centrally and all different kinds of dip. We've got, on the menu thus far, hummus, chutney, some kind of ranch, my buffalo chicken dip, spinach artichoke and all the wonderful dippees like breads, chips and other delicious items.
The best part about being home is that some things never change.
That's right! Tonight, I'm cooking up some buffalo chicken dip for my friends. We tend to have interesting themed parties. Sometimes, their murder mysteries (in which we all dress up, of course), other times, it's a potluck where we all showcase our chef skills (we, meaning them and I try to make salad or something) and we've had cereal picnics, hangouts that include only dessert and tomorrow...
We are having a dip party.
It's exactly what it sounds like. A party that focuses centrally and all different kinds of dip. We've got, on the menu thus far, hummus, chutney, some kind of ranch, my buffalo chicken dip, spinach artichoke and all the wonderful dippees like breads, chips and other delicious items.
The best part about being home is that some things never change.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
New
What the hell does "new" mean anyways?
There was a time when I loved this time of year. The end of a year, the beginning of a new year, a new time for us to once again, strive to be the best that we can be.
All I feel like now is a failure.
I think I dishearten myself much of the time. I think this semester I've just hit roadblock after roadblock and haven't really been able to overcome any one of them fully. As a matter of fact, I feel as if I have failed to overcome any of them at all, let alone completely. For the first time in a long time, the only person I'm angry with is myself. I feel as if I have failed me. And maybe that's not a big deal to a lot of people, but it upsets me.
I'll hear the "you're too hard on yourself" or "cut yourself a break" or "you're not superwoman" or "maybe you should stop expecting so much out of yourself, you're only human..." but I know all that and still, I want to reach the stars. And so I reach out my hands to pluck one out of the sky and there is nothing there. No stars, no moon, just darkness.
Perhaps this post is more macabre than any of the others I write, but I can't describe life right now as any other way. So many go through a "dark" period in their lives, but I'm twenty. I feel as if if I am supposed to go through a dark period, it shouldn't be now. Not when I'm young, alive and restless for adventure. Not when I have so many opportunities lying ahead of me and so many unopened doors to explore.
So maybe instead of another star, I'll grasp a doorknob instead.
And when I step inside the threshold, I'll take of my peacoat and let myself feel a little warmth.
Perhaps.
There was a time when I loved this time of year. The end of a year, the beginning of a new year, a new time for us to once again, strive to be the best that we can be.
All I feel like now is a failure.
I think I dishearten myself much of the time. I think this semester I've just hit roadblock after roadblock and haven't really been able to overcome any one of them fully. As a matter of fact, I feel as if I have failed to overcome any of them at all, let alone completely. For the first time in a long time, the only person I'm angry with is myself. I feel as if I have failed me. And maybe that's not a big deal to a lot of people, but it upsets me.
I'll hear the "you're too hard on yourself" or "cut yourself a break" or "you're not superwoman" or "maybe you should stop expecting so much out of yourself, you're only human..." but I know all that and still, I want to reach the stars. And so I reach out my hands to pluck one out of the sky and there is nothing there. No stars, no moon, just darkness.
Perhaps this post is more macabre than any of the others I write, but I can't describe life right now as any other way. So many go through a "dark" period in their lives, but I'm twenty. I feel as if if I am supposed to go through a dark period, it shouldn't be now. Not when I'm young, alive and restless for adventure. Not when I have so many opportunities lying ahead of me and so many unopened doors to explore.
So maybe instead of another star, I'll grasp a doorknob instead.
And when I step inside the threshold, I'll take of my peacoat and let myself feel a little warmth.
Perhaps.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Christmas Tears
Tears are very real things. They are wet and gross and sometimes, they make your eyes hurt. And if they keep coming, you can feel them in your nose and in your head, and when you shut your eyes, you can feel the small, distinct burning of the mixture of salt and skin and light as it may be, you know, you've cried quite a bit.
But there's nothing like crying on Christmas. I bet even Mary cried, tears of joy. I heard something interesting the other day. Mary, obviously, was born without original sin. Therefore, even while she stood here on earth, she was technically more than us humans--not divine, but not human. Because she was born without the stain of original sin clouding her vision, Mary felt every emotion in its entirety. This meant she felt joy, sorrow, sadness, glee, anger, frustration, euphoria in there complete and utter purity, honesty and power. Her feelings were magnified.
Can you imagine the power of those tears?
My tears are not so powerful. They are just what happens when my heart gets so overfilled with emotion that the feelings flood to all parts of my body. My tears aren't meaningless, no, they're just not powerful. They do not have the power to bring an entire people to their feet or move disciples into realizing that prayer is everything. My tears, they only move me. They only help me to realize what I need in life, what I want in life and what I already have. My tears, they only help me face my fears, my sorrows and what I dread most.
And so, I offer them all to you, God.
Happy birthday, Jesus.
Merry Christmas, all!
But there's nothing like crying on Christmas. I bet even Mary cried, tears of joy. I heard something interesting the other day. Mary, obviously, was born without original sin. Therefore, even while she stood here on earth, she was technically more than us humans--not divine, but not human. Because she was born without the stain of original sin clouding her vision, Mary felt every emotion in its entirety. This meant she felt joy, sorrow, sadness, glee, anger, frustration, euphoria in there complete and utter purity, honesty and power. Her feelings were magnified.
Can you imagine the power of those tears?
My tears are not so powerful. They are just what happens when my heart gets so overfilled with emotion that the feelings flood to all parts of my body. My tears aren't meaningless, no, they're just not powerful. They do not have the power to bring an entire people to their feet or move disciples into realizing that prayer is everything. My tears, they only move me. They only help me to realize what I need in life, what I want in life and what I already have. My tears, they only help me face my fears, my sorrows and what I dread most.
And so, I offer them all to you, God.
Happy birthday, Jesus.
Merry Christmas, all!
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